Funnily, we can read and absorb things, and understanding them on an intellectual level. But the something will happen that rocks you to your core – and then you truly understand the concept of what you’ve read.
This happened recently to me. I have read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown in the past, and thought it was wonderfully articulate and emotionally insightful. But more recently, I listened to a particular episode of her podcast, and I just had a sudden understanding – about shame.
Shame does impact me, and quite significantly in fact.
So I went back and listened to her second TED talk on vulnerability – this second one focused more on shame. I describes the difference between guilt and shame. While I had understood her definitions previously, I had not really applied them to myself.
I now understand that I move quickly to shame, and target myself. I attack myself regularly about how unworthy I am, how stupid I am, etc, etc. Instead of a reaction of guilt, which would look at the action or behaviour, and say that that wasn’t very smart – but guilt wouldn’t attack me as being not smart.
Then I went deeper into learning about how shame has a huge impact on feeling worthy and deserving, and correlates to mental health, depression and eating disorders. Whoops – I’ve had disordered eating as a teenager, which I clearly remember was because I didn’t feel like I deserved to eat anything pleasurable. I also have a lot of blocks about feeling undeserving of earning what I’m worth, or being afraid that I’m not worthy of reaching my potential.
So, I’m going back to read Daring Greatly again, then Rising Strong, and then Daring to Lead …